jude, don't lose yourself in finding your other self

you are fucking self centered. you don't spare a thought for others who care about you. its always about you. its always how u pretend to play up your self pity and get others to accomodate. i've had enough. you know how i always give in despite how much i complain. i don't want to keep comparing your actions with mine. cuz i'm a guy and you're a girl. i listen to everything u say. you don't have to. you just need to be pampered. you just need people to be there for you. and in time to come, when you don't need me, kick me away and not battle an eyelid. do that. i just wanna prove myself right. i just want to see how all this nonsense ends.

you sulk when i suggest stuff that you don't wanna do. sometimes for no reason at all. and when i don't like doing something, you'll still go ahead and do, cuz you know i'll follow and be magnanimous about it. you are a piece of shit.

you know from the very start i'll stay away from girls like you, and you'd stay from guys like me, why then, why on earth did you have to play up your outdoor-zy side and have me draw my guard down, breaking my promise of not dating a smoker. i have only myself to blame. myself to blame for kidding myself, for believeing that true love exist. it doesn't! Fuck! Its just a show. its just a masquarade. thats what you are.

now i don't know when you've lied and when you're telling the truth. you are a liar. and will forever be. i just hope i can trust you like before. before i knew the whole you. you suck.

Is this a start? Or an end?

I finally understood. I finally learned to trust my intuition cuz its always right. I lie to myself the most number of times. I always know the answers to the questions that I ask, but I just ask them anyway.

Now I know why there are so many things that I'd give up for you, and yet there are none that you'd give up for me. Now I know why there are times you can just totally forget about my existence. Now I know why there are so many times you'd do stuff that saddens me, but you just do it anyway. Now I know my fears are not unfounded. Go ahead and treat me like a stand in. Go ahead and call on me only when you have nobody else to call upon. Go ahead and cry on my shoulder when you can't find any one else to find comfort in. Go ahead and use me. Go ahead and bask in my love. Please do. And after it all, say thank you and leave. Go away.

I thought it was real. I believed that it was real. I think I have the ultimate power of bluffing myself. The end is near. I'm smelling it. And when that day comes, I think I can never trust another again.