you suck

everything you do is justified and righteous. i am in the wrong. always. wrong for going to windsurf and not having dinner with you when you are waiting for me to have dinner with me. you didn't even settle anything and then the first thing you do is call and scream.

i know you won't apologize.

i won't too.

everything with you is tentative

I don't know if this is called Love

i really don't

sometimes, i don't know if you really love me. sometimes i don't know if i'm just a passing phase in your life.

but yet at other times, i feel that you really do give a damn about me.

God, tell me if I'm wrong about her, or my initial conclusions about her were so true and i just chose to ignore it.

i think we're totally 2 different people, totally at disagreements with each other, over most issues and lifestyle options. i don't see a future with you.

why am i still in? maybe i'm just waiting for you to walk out on me.

somethings in life will just not work out the way you want them to

so live with it.

the things that you'll do for someone, may not be the things that the someone will do for you. giving is never expecting in return. if something good comes your way, thank God for his grace that makes it happen.

sometimes its not anyone's fault. i used to think that when something goes wrong, its usually the fault of 2 parties, but now i'm thinking it can also be no one's fault. things just happen they way they will. its supposed to. its some form of lesson that is necessary. and these things make you appreciate the other aspects of life better.

from today onwards, i'll try my very best not to go out of my way for you. i'll try my best not to love you as much as i do. i'll try to do the things that i'd normally do, independent of you. i'll take your "yes" as a "no" and if it turns out to be a yes, i'll just be happy.

i'll lower my expectations, so that there'll be higher satisfaction. today was a good example. taking your "maybe i'll have dinner with you" for "i won't be having dinner with you". and when it turned out to be what i expected, i felt better.

so long jude. life is short. live it for yourself.

life is like a box of chocolates

you'll never know what you gonna get until you bite in.

is that life? is it some thing that you'll never be able to see the end of the road? the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? is it something that you just put blind hope in and hope for the best? that you'll just see what happens and take things as they come?

i'm never able to see the future. not at all. you don't give me any reason to see that glimmering light at the end of the tunnel. or maybe not tunnel. sometimes i think it'll all end somehow and it'll just be a dream that will be hard to erase.

its again the things that i'd do for you but you'd never do for me. its again how you don't know that you are treating me second best. its again how you never fail to disappoint me when you change things and events that are planned(no matter how small), to your whim and fancy.

sometimes it doesn't make any difference with or without you.

this is the blind hope, the blind faith i put in us. the hope that one day both of us will never be sad cuz of the other party. i think that's sad.

does the happy times overwrite the depressing one?

love is like ocd. and i don't like it. i used to have so much control, not anymore.

What lies ahead?

will you ever know what happens next? or will you ever know how it will all turn out? i want the best. but is it just pure hope? i ask myself that everyday. and i never got closer to any answer

if you don't quit smoking, it juz shows how unimportant i am to you, cuz you do everything your way, and all i'm asking is for u to quit smoking, which is not even for my health or whatsover. Everything you do never changes, it doesn't really matter if I'm your bf or not, you juz go about doing things you like which you jolly well know i don't. You always like to ask me why would i do the things that i know will hurt you, but have you ever asked yourself why do you always smoke even you know i dun like you to? always arrive late when we meet up, always play mj late into the night, always change our plans at your fancy so you can sleep more cuz the night before was filled with mj or supper?

I hate to tell you this, but i dun think we are ever gonna work out cuz i know i'm willing to change but you are not. So its either you stop smoking now, or we'll stop

your voice is my lullaby,
your love fits like a glove.
tis you that i'm willing,
to brave with nights so chilling.
with the cool wind blowing,
the love ever flowing.
i rest on a pillow,
with a heart all but mellow.
remind me, if you must,
the nature of my fast.
unexplicable reasons,
not from this season.
would like to spend dawns with you,
telling tales about lil' frawn.
the day seems incomplete,
with yours starting after the mid.
patiently i wait,
for an invitation to sleep,
with you my baby,
my forever love.

jude, don't lose yourself in finding your other self

you are fucking self centered. you don't spare a thought for others who care about you. its always about you. its always how u pretend to play up your self pity and get others to accomodate. i've had enough. you know how i always give in despite how much i complain. i don't want to keep comparing your actions with mine. cuz i'm a guy and you're a girl. i listen to everything u say. you don't have to. you just need to be pampered. you just need people to be there for you. and in time to come, when you don't need me, kick me away and not battle an eyelid. do that. i just wanna prove myself right. i just want to see how all this nonsense ends.

you sulk when i suggest stuff that you don't wanna do. sometimes for no reason at all. and when i don't like doing something, you'll still go ahead and do, cuz you know i'll follow and be magnanimous about it. you are a piece of shit.

you know from the very start i'll stay away from girls like you, and you'd stay from guys like me, why then, why on earth did you have to play up your outdoor-zy side and have me draw my guard down, breaking my promise of not dating a smoker. i have only myself to blame. myself to blame for kidding myself, for believeing that true love exist. it doesn't! Fuck! Its just a show. its just a masquarade. thats what you are.

now i don't know when you've lied and when you're telling the truth. you are a liar. and will forever be. i just hope i can trust you like before. before i knew the whole you. you suck.

Is this a start? Or an end?

I finally understood. I finally learned to trust my intuition cuz its always right. I lie to myself the most number of times. I always know the answers to the questions that I ask, but I just ask them anyway.

Now I know why there are so many things that I'd give up for you, and yet there are none that you'd give up for me. Now I know why there are times you can just totally forget about my existence. Now I know why there are so many times you'd do stuff that saddens me, but you just do it anyway. Now I know my fears are not unfounded. Go ahead and treat me like a stand in. Go ahead and call on me only when you have nobody else to call upon. Go ahead and cry on my shoulder when you can't find any one else to find comfort in. Go ahead and use me. Go ahead and bask in my love. Please do. And after it all, say thank you and leave. Go away.

I thought it was real. I believed that it was real. I think I have the ultimate power of bluffing myself. The end is near. I'm smelling it. And when that day comes, I think I can never trust another again.